The Groom's Planning Dilemma

Why Isn't He Interested?

How involved is your man in the wedding process? It's a rhetorical question, so measure it on whatever scale you want. Then ask yourself if you're happy with that. Do you want him to be more involved? In many couples, the woman wants her way, the man wants her to have it, and they're both happy with that arrangement. To those couples, I have only one thing to say: Congratulations on finding your balance so soon.

This Is How We Do It

I'm atypical in that I've actually dreamed of my wedding from a surprisingly young age. That's apparently not normal for guys, but I've always been a bit sappy and sentimental. From day one, I've been very involved in the planning process. FI chose the date, and I chose the country. She found the local planner, and I coordinated the photographer. She made the Save-the-Dates, and I made the website. Of course we have collaborated on each of these decisions along the way. She's amazing with research, has far more initiative, and is a better planner than I am (typical male/female trend, right?) But I still have ideas, and they're not all bad. And when we've made up our collective mind on something, I can be very aggressive about making sure it happens. So we're playing off each other's strengths and planning a wedding, honeymoon, and - more importantly - a marriage that we will both be proud of and happy with.

The crazy part to me is how many brides-to-be wish their man would be more involved. I understand he was playing football or basketball at age 15 while I was picturing a gorgeous woman in a gown, adorned with flowers. At least he has hand-eye coordination. ;) That doesn't mean he can't flip through a magazine and point out cakes that he thinks are cool, or call a florist to setup a meeting, or spend half an hour googling "wicked awesome honeymoons". If you want him to be involved, invite him.

PINK PINK PINK

Alright, you've been dreaming of this since you were 7, so you even have a few years of experience on me. But you're not dead-set on every aspect of the process, and you definitely want his feedback. Standing in front of the TV with three pictures of suits isn't going to get his interest; it's going to annoy him. And telling him "I want [insert super-girly pink pink pink here]," isn't going to engage his imagination; it's going to engage his gag reflex.

Speaking of engaging him: you did! He either proposed to you or accepted your proposal (c'mon, if a groom can blog, a bride can propose), so it's clear you know how to gain and hold his interest. He seems to think you can hold his interest for an entire lifetime, even. So you tell me what will work.

Take what he does and loves, and translate that to the wedding. The process is so massive and all-encompassing that there are parallels. If he loves drawing football plays, have him draw out the ceremony with little x's and o's. If he's visual, look through books together. It's already a given he'd love to do a cake tasting. Who wouldn't?

Don't 'Zilla (yet)

Get him on board with the planning, and with your existing plans. If you really want that to happen, you need to be flexible. Plan to give a little, but don't plan to compromise. Think Win-Win. If your ideas differ, don't automatically think, "Well, if I give this up, I'll have leverage there..." That's creating competition and ignoring the possibility of an alternative where you can both be happy with the choice.

Once he's on board, he will be part of the muscle that transforms your wedding plans into reality. His intuition on your potential planner could save you a frantic pre-wedding 'Zilla blowup (when she totally drops the ball). On the other hand, if he doesn't know the plans, he can't offer much help in keeping them on course during the big day.

If you open the door for your future husband to co-plan your wedding, don't be surprised if he marches through the door with a whole binder of ideas he didn't think he was supposed to have.